What is your reason?

I think about my future a lot and always with an array of contrasting emotions towards it.

On good days, I think about my children.

I think about their names and middle names and what colour their eyes will be. I think about whether I am going to adopt and the age that I want that child to be. I think about what their hair might feel like and what they will sound like. I think about how I am going to decorate my first-borns nursery and what toys I am going to make sure they all have.

I think about my future partner.

What will they be like and look like and sound like? Will they want kids and will I be able to change their mind if I love them and they don't want children? I think about what kind of person they might be and whether they will be funny or intelligent or untidy or all of the above.

I think about my house.

How many rooms will it have? How big will the garden be? How am I going to decorate my bathroom? I know I am having a bath and a separate shower and my bathroom are going to be one of the most important rooms. What will the kitchen be like? Will it be massive and white with a double fridge like I've always wanted? Will there be an open fireplace in the living room and will I have an office in the house to work in? Will the kids have enough space in the house to play or maybe even have a playroom?

I think about my pets.

Am I going to have a dog or a cat or a rabbit or all of them? Can I look after all of them? Probably not. How many dogs will I have and what breed will they be? Will I end up getting a husky after wanting one for years or will I end up sticking with my faithful springer spaniel?

Sometimes, I think about all my family and what life will be like.

How will mum and dad react when I tell them I'm pregnant? What kind of grandparents will they be? Will my grandparents still be around to fall in love with my little ones like they fell in love with me? How many nieces or nephews will my brother give me and will I be best friends with the person he marries? Will I like my partner's family? How big will my family end up being and how am I going to invite everyone around for Christmas if my partner has lots of siblings? Where will my brother spend Christmas? Will our kids love each other like siblings? I hope so.

I think about all these things because they make me extraordinarily happy. Family is, always has been and always will be the foundation of my life and the most important thing in it. No matter who my family ends up being, they are more important to me than anything else and therefore, when dreaming about my future, I rarely daydream about the kind of job I have or the place I live or the amount of money I have or how hot my partner will be. I dream of having a huge family, with 4 kids and 8 grandkids and nieces and nephews and that is what makes me happy.

But on bad days, all of those happy dreams are turned against me.

On bad days my head is full of questions and uncertainty and a crushing lack of hope.

Will I be a good mum? What if I can't have kids? What if I never find anyone who loves me? Do I deserve children? What if my parents die and never get to be grandparents? Who will I be if I don't have kids? I cant have a dog I can barely look after myself? What if I end up getting no results at A-level and never get a job and cant buy a house and never have a future? Why can't I be a kid again? I don't want to grow up. I never want to be older.

This is the issue with my brain. The very thing that makes me happy and keeps me going can very easily be the thing that freaks me out and upsets me and makes me feel like crap.

BUT... it always turns itself around.

If there is one thing I am absolutely certain of, its that no matter what, I will have a family and I will always be loved by someone. It's so important to find that one constant. That one thing to hold on to. The one thing that you can fight your way through for, no matter how dark it seems. Everyone has one, even if it doesn't feel like it. If you are still around and have been fighting for ages, you have one. There is a reason you are still here. Trust me, if you REALLY wanted to be gone, nothing else would matter. But here you are, reading this.

I fight for my family. They are my reason, my constant. What is yours?